Overwhatchamacall-it
by Bablo
Summary: Soldier: 76 has gotten old, and his memory ain't what it used to be. That doesn't stop him from kicking ass.


**Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only. Overwatch, Soldier: 76, Junkrat, Roadhog, and Numbani are all the property of Blizzard Entertainment.**

 _"Good morning to our listeners. This is Classical 98.9, Numbani's number one classical music station, bringing you the best music from the 1970s and 80s. Next up we have a wonderful piece composed by the group Earth, Wind, & Fire._

 _Do you remember the 21_ _st_ _night of September? Love was changing the minds of pretenders –_

Old man Mack Jorrison awoke to the sweet , soothing sound of classical music drifting from his radio alarm clock. The red numbers flashed "5:30AM", the same time he got up everyday. Today was a special day though. He was going someplace. Someplace very dear to his heart.

His muscles complained and his bones creaked as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and slipped on his worn bunny slippers. He left the radio on as he shuffled to the bathroom to prepare for the day ahead.

 _"Our hearts were ringing in the key that our souls were singing."_

He turned on the shower to heat up the water while he gargled some mouthwash. He then gingerly applied just enough glue to his dentures before popping them in place. Once ready he adjusted the temperature of the shower one more time and carefully stepped into the steaming spray.

 _"Ba de ya – say do you remember Ba de ya – dancing in September Ba de ya – never was a cloudy day"_

He lowered himself onto his shower seat and began going through the motions of cleaning up. He couldn't remember when he bought the seat but it was a good investment. Now he didn't have to worry as much about slipping in the shower.

 _"The bell was ringing, our souls were singing do you remember never a cloudy day"_

Feeling refreshed he turned off the water and dried off a little before stepping out of the shower. Wrapped in an oversized towel, he put on his slippers, and shuffled to the closet. He pulled on his shirt and pants, then his jacket emblazoned with a "76". He couldn't remember where he got the jacket. Maybe it was his grand niece that gave it to him? No no. It was his old letterman jacket from high school. Nah. It was from his time in the armed forces. All he really knew for sure was that he wore it everyday.

Next he put on his glasses and face mask. If he recalled correctly, his doctor prescribed them to protect his eyes from UV damage, and the mask filtered the air or something…

He didn't spend too much time pondering his somewhat unusual wardrobe today. People in Numbani all dressed kind of strange anyways. High fashion was important to many a human and omnic in the city, and Mack just didn't get it! He wore the same outfit everyday for as long as he could remember and he did alright. After shuffling to the nightstand to turn off the radio, he turned to the door. He grabbed his pulse cane on the way out the door from the rickety pink umbrella stand. He felt it was kind of chunky and heavy for a cane, with too many flashing doo-dads, but thought it was probably just a symptom of his old age. Besides, it made him more visible, especially at night. No one wants to be clipped by a car crossing the street!

Mack cautiously made his way down the steps of his stoop, his sore hip popping as he reached the sidewalk. With a quiet groan and a bit of grumbling he set off, relying on muscle memory to take him where he wanted to go. The early morning air was sweet and cool, even through the filter of his mask and the streets were nice and quiet as the slumbering city began to wake. He raised his hand in greeting to his neighbor Elma who was out watering her flower boxes.

"Hello Elma!" He called. "Beautiful morning today, isn't it?!"

Elma turned and squinted in his direction, adjusting her coke bottle glasses. "Eh? Someone say something?"

Mack paused and cleared his throat. "I said, "Beautiful morning, isn't it!"

Elma bent forward. "Eh?!"

Mack took a deep breath, and said louder, "It's a beautiful morning, isn't it?!"

Elma's squinting intensified, and she screeched, "Is that you Mr. Jorrison?! It's a lovely morning, isn't it?"

Mack nodded vigorously, "It is!"

Elma smiled toothlessly, "It's Saturday! Off to Moe's I'm guessing!"

Mack grinned behind his mask. He and Elma liked to have tea together from time to time. He thought she was a real swell gal!

"Yes ma'am. I'm hankering for some bacon and Luci-ohs. They're so sugary, but so good." His belly rumbled at the thought.

"Eh?"

"I said, 'I'm getting some Luci-ohs!" Mack screamed.

"Oh!" Elma exclaimed.

"MY FUCKING GOD! WILL YOU OLD BASTARDS SHUT THE FUCK UP! IT'S SIX IN THE GODDAMN MORNING!" A man howled from a nearby window.

Mack bristled and shook his cane at the impudent young man. "RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!"

The man squeaked and ducked for cover. "Watch where you're pointing that you crazy old bastard! I'm calling the police!"

Mack harrumphed and turned back to Elma. "Have a good day, ma'am!"

"Have fun, deary!" Elma waved, then returned to tending her flowers.

As Mack continued on his journey for bacon and sugary cereal, the man he inadvertently threatened with a pulse rifle was scrambling for his phone. There was an uncomfortable wet spot in his boxers, which was normal after looking down the barrel of a high-powered gun that is capable of firing heated plasma and rockets. Hands shaking he dialed emergency services.

"Hello. You have reached Numbani emergency services. All operators are currently occupied. If this is an emergency, please, remain on the line and evacuate the area…"

"Are you kidding me." The man whimpered. "There's a crazy old dude with a huge gun outside my apartment. Could someone send some goddamn help!"

Meanwhile Mack was rounding the corner, and nearly collided with a frantic young woman. With a frightened shriek she fell to the ground. Before Mack could offer to help her up, the woman stumbled to her feet and continued running, eyes-wide and panicked.

Mack could only scratch his head, bewildered. Then again, young people were always in a hurry to be somewhere. With a shrug, he continued up the street in the direction the woman came from. He was relatively sure Moe's was this way. As he reached the crosswalk, he was surprised to see more people rushing towards him. They were in various states of disarray. Some were coated with soot and dust, whilst others were smeared with blood. Mack didn't necessarily lock onto these details, he was more upset that they were crossing the street before it was safe!

"Look both ways you dickwad!" He bellowed at a large man in a tattered suit as he pushed his way through stalled traffic and past Mack.

The man paid no heed to Mack's advice, focused solely on escaping mortal danger. With all of the people hurrying through the streets, vehicle traffic was forced to a standstill. A confused truck driver honked his horn at the stream of terrified pedestrians.

Not one to break the rules. Mack pointedly waited for the little red hand to turn into a white walking man before crossing the street even though, traffic was completely stopped. He was a man with principles after all. Mack was thankful as the onslaught of fleeing humans and omnics lessened as he neared Moe's. Several people had rudely bumped his shoulders without so much as stopping to mutter the briefest of apologies. He wouldn't be deterred though! He was too close to turn back now. Besides, his feet and back were sore; he needed to sit down for a while.

Through the dust choked air, he could vaguely see the giant neon sign: "MOE'S". However, there appeared to be an obstacle between him and Moe's. A lot of dust and bits of debris were flying in front of the First Numbani Bank, which unfortunately for Mack, stood between him and his beloved Luci-ohs. It must be construction but he didn't see any barriers blocking off the sidewalk ahead. Mack decided that hence it should still be okay to walk by. Otherwise he would have to backtrack all the way to the crosswalk. Mack bravely pushed on, even though he risked getting his glasses dirty.

As he approached the front of the bank, he could see through the thick bulletproof glass. The inside was completely filled with dust and the normally gleaming marble floors were cracked and covered in chunks of crumbling ceiling. This is why Mack kept his money under his mattress! He didn't need some fancy-schmancy bank spending his money on unnecessary renovations. It also reminded him of some repairs and renovations he needed around his home. The sink dripped sometimes, and when it rained that spot in the ceiling by the door leaked a bit. What if, god forbid, he got mold! Mack really needed to buckle down and fix the place up.

His train of thought was broken as the thick glass of the bank suddenly bowed and exploded outwards. Mack was thrown off his feet and clear into the middle of the street. He would have flown farther if he hadn't collided with the side of an abandoned car. Metal crumpled and glass shattered as he slammed into the parked vehicle.

From the smoking demolished bank emerged two figures. One was thin and loping, while the other hulking and round. A high-pitched giggle rose above the sound of tinkling glass and crackling flames.

Confused and in vicious pain, Mack collapsed to the pavement. The two figures emerged from the smoke and hurried out into the street, laughing madly. Mack looked at the men as they approached. He noted they were both sloppily dressed and dirty. Why, they weren't even wearing shirts! The smaller of the two was sinewy and fidgety. He reminded Mack of a rodent. The other was obese and covered in tattoos. He carried several great sacks in his meaty fists. Like Mack, he also wore a mask. This man brought images of pigs to Mack's mind, which consequently reminded him that he wanted bacon.

Mack unsteadily rose to his feet, leaning on his pulse cane for support. The two men drew level with him and stopped to face him.

"Oi look what we have here. Looks like this grey hairs wants to stop us." The scrawny one giggled.

He then raised a launcher loaded with what appeared to be foam balls. Mack knew these were popular toys with today's youth, and he could hardly believe that this young man was pointing it at him instead of offering to help him up. It really buttered his biscuit! How many times were people going to disrespect him today! He was a veteran dammit! He served with, uh… Mack thought for a second. It was .. hmm.

"Oi! Are we going to have a blue or are you going to rack off you wrinkly old bastard!" The rat-like man sneered.

"Hey! You damn youngster," Mack pointed his cane at the big guy, intent on jabbing him in his fat cocky gut. "I used to be part of Overwhatchamacall-it!"

The cane slipped a bit in his hand, something clicked, and two swirling rockets exploded from the tip of Mack's cane. The dual death beams slammed into the obese youngster's belly, knocking the bags from his hands, and sending him hurtling backwards with a surprised roar. The stuffed sacks thudded to the ground. One split open and several gleaming gold bars spilled onto the pavement. The remaining rude youngster gaped at the spot next to him which his companion had occupied just moments ago. Without hesitating, Mack jabbed his cane at the remaining youth.

"That's sir to you!" He roared, pulling the trigger on his cane.

A volley of superheated bullets slammed into the man. He screeched in pain as blood poured from the new assholes Mack's gun had ripped in his side. Panicking, the injured man threw down a metal device, pulled out a baton with a switch, and pressed down with his thumb. Mack saw white as the device exploded. He was thrown backwards and the youngster was thrown upwards and outwards. The lanky youth landed expertly near his friend and helped the dazed giant find his feet. The two then beat a hasty retreat as the blare of police sirens drew near.

Poor old Mr. Jorrison groaned as he pushed himself off the pavement for the second time. His head hurt and he couldn't quite recall how he had ended up in the middle of the street. This wasn't unusual though. His memory wasn't as good as it used to be. Dazed he picked up his cane and looked around.

There was smoke everywhere, and his coat was very dusty. Mack pondered for a moment, trying to piece together what happened. It was- er – construction. He was walking through a construction zone and had gotten all dusty. He checked the time on his cane. It was already 6:20AM! The early bird special at Moe's started at 6:30AM sharp, and Mack was always on time.

His back complained loudly as he continued towards the neon "MOE'S" He really wanted to take his pain medication and lay down for a long nap but his mission wasn't over yet. He tottered back to the sidewalk and continued on his way. A police car sped past him in the street. Ten minutes later he reached the door to Moe's and gratefully pushed his way inside. He was greeted by the cheerful chime of the bell hung above the entrance. Exhausted, Mack collapsed into the nearest stool at the counter. Moe approached him with a full pot of coffee and a mug. Like Mack, Moe was an old soul. What he lacked in hair on his head, he made up for with hair on his eyebrows and in his ears.

"You alright, Mack?" Moe asked, while pouring his loyal customer a delicious cup of hot coffee. "You look like you've been in a war."

Mack shrugged and winced. "I don't know, Moe. Just one of those days."

Moe smiled knowingly. "Well a good breakfast will set you straight. Will it be the usual, then?"

Mack nodded. Soon enough the old soldier was digging into his scrumptious Luci-ohs and savory bacon. Meanwhile Moe bustled between the handful of early birds and listened to Atlas news on the old radio sitting on the serving counter.

"Breaking news now! The international criminal duo, Junkrat and Roadhog, continue their path of chaos and destruction. This time in Numbani, where the pair simultaneously robbed and destroyed the Numbani First Bank. High-powered explosives were used to enter the vaults and over $70,000 in gold was stolen. Strangely, the robbers did not make off with their haul, as the gold was found abandoned in the street outside of the bank along with evidence of a scuffle. Who apprehended these dangerous men before authorities? Well, that remains a mystery. Authorities are urging civilians to remain indoors, as it is likely the duo remain at large. More updates at 7."

Moe shook his head in wonder. "That's right down the street. Who do you think would be crazy enough to square off with those nutjobs."

Mack shrugged as he shoveled Luci-ohs into his mouth, after he swallowed he said, "You want something done right, you gotta do it yourself."


End file.
